Thursday, January 31, 2008

Beware Future Boyfriends!!

This is really funny! I especially like the last "rule".


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ; ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _________________________________________________


Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ____________________________________

How often you attend __________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_______________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the: _________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _____________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_____________________________________________


G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________
Father's Signature


________________________________
Mother's Signature


_______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi


________________________________
State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back). To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.


Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My Buddy Wes

Wes Black hooked up our church to a new 500 gallon propane tank. He works for General Propane. He helps us out and I help him. He does gas lines for us and I wired up his new home for him. He had just finished his day and picked up Brian and stopped by to explain some things about our new setup. We had him stay for supper.

Brian enjoying the "Sit and Spin".

It was Brian's birthday and he eagerly was excitedly checking out his new gifts.

A remote controlled truck - Brian said "I need bat trees."

A Steelers outfit.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Alaska Bound

My wife and I are flying to Alaska the middle of July. More details to follow. Two weeks prior we will be up in Canada for a week. Our tickets are purchased and we are excited!!

What is this Older Generation Coming To?

I was having a hard time with what happened at church the other day. Yes my song leader showed up and as you can see - no tie. How dreadful! You can't be a Christian and attend church unless you are dressed in a fullfledged horse blanket draped over shoulders and a goat rope choking off your air. I guess since he leads the songs we will let him off the hook. After all he needs as much air he can get without being choked. At his age......nothing will change.




PS. You looked good Tom. You never even knew you had influenced the pastor the next Sunday! :)

Grandma Mason

Although Catherine Mason is no relative of ours, she has been a dear friend for quite some time. While attending the Beaver Valley Church we had the priveledge of meeting her and and Charles and ate Sunday dinner with them at Joe and Bobbi Dentlers many times. When we arrived here at Keepville almost 4 years ago we found that she attended here as well. She recently has suffered some set backs physically and she told me that she is ready for heaven and anticipates the crossing.Our prayers are with her and her family during this time.

Here is Kenton and Vincent with her at St. Vincent Hospital. She loves the hugs our kids give her.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Can Prove that I am an Angel


I have inexplicable proof that I am an angel. After I was done teaching our youngest how to make snow angels in the snow, I had to pose beside my proof. Just in case you ever doubt just keep this image of the perfect angel I made.

4 Wheeling and Broken Sleds

Steven and Shandra came for the weekend and we had a blast. Of the many winter sports we engaged in we had a blast riding the 4 wheeler and towing sleds. The funniest thing happened to us while going for a long ride over a mile away in the woods. At the time it didn't seem so funny. I was towing them through the woods and was coming onto an old abandoned railroad tracks when I felt the sled give a tug on the rope. No problem, I gave the quad the gas and the sled ripped in half. I had dodged some tree limbs and the sled hit a small log buried in the snow. There sat Steven with two kids in his lap and I still had a small part of the sled still attached to the rope. With no sled to pull all 6 of us piled on the quad and rode up to the house on the property which we were riding. It was owned by a lady who attends our church. She opened her garage and let us borrow a sled to get home. Here is what we looked like with 6 of us piled on the quad.



Later I hooked up two runner sled with about 8' of rope in between the quad and first sled and 8' between the second sled. Kenton and Vincent jumped on the sleds on their bellies. Vincent did not like the snow blowing in his face at 40 mph so he ended up riding with me on the quad on the way back. We went almost a mile and then headed back. I wish I had the video of Kenton having fun steering the runner sled back and forth like a water skier at 40 mph. The best part is when he flipped it and slid up the road at that speed and into the snow bank. He emerged with a huge grin showing through his snow covered face. He hopped back on the sled and was ready for the rest of the ride. I got him about a foot off the road going over the tracks by our house. It surprised him, and me but he enjoyed it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Presidential Protection

Ever wonder why so many cars in a presidential motorcade or what and who is all inside the vehicles? Well now you can know!! I would love to try it out just once. I think that is some serious fire power.

video

Interesting Question

What color of hair do they list on the drivers licence of bald guys?

This one is for my father in law.

A Famous Quote

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

- Charles H. Duell Commissioner United States Office of Patents 1899

My Favorite Tool Store


I am posting this for my friends that want to know more about the most uniquie tool store in the world. My friend Phil Hamilton works there. His brother Fred owns it. It is located in downtown Beaver Falls on the main street. Hamilton Tool has been in operation for about 25 years. It is worth the trip to see it and you may end up leaving with a good bargain. Let me know and I will make the trip with you...you just can't tell my wife! I end up coming home with something!!

The building is very ornate on the outside.

Fred Hamilton - Owner.

Phil Hamilton - Fred's brother and right hand man.

This sign says it all.

Julie standing in the vault doorway. Part of Fred's miniature working tool collection.
You need a 4 5/8" socket? No problem!
The price is only $199.99.
Fred owns his own tool brand: ACCURA
Thier lineup of new tools: Planers, jointers, lathes, saw, drill presses, and many other kinds.
The patented multi bit planer head. You hit a nail- you turn the insert bit 90 degrees and keep planing no need for getting the whole knife sharpened.
Here is a table of just circlular saws.
Whatever it is you want they have tables of each item.
Julie standing on the 3rd floor.
These are just a few shots of what is there. It blows your mind.
Paul Houseworth up in the turret area on the 4th floor. You can see a picture of this from outside at the top of this post. Including the basement there are 5 floors. They also have another huge wharehouse full of large equipment tools.

Kenton's Squirrel Part I

Flashback to last year......

Kenton posing with his first squirrel.

He was 6 then and now has shot 10. His first year he "grand slammed" in squirrel hunting with 1 of each kind. He shot 5 greys, 1 red, 1 fox, and the coveted black. He like to tease me since I have never shot a black one myself. What he fails to realise is that I could have shot the black one about 4 times, but I wanted him to get it. The black squirrel was very elusive and had many tricks up his sleeve.


We took the grey squirrel to Daryl Muir's last year under one condition - Kenton wanted to watch the process. We finally got our schedules together and had an enjoyable time as usual.

The hide at the very start. There was a lot of preparation work before this point: careful skinning, tanning and fleshing.


Daryl Muir preparing the form for the hide.


Kenton helped me cut the tree down and we made a habitat base with it.

The very drowned rat looking hide.

Molding in the eyes, ears and whisker indents.


The hide and the form ready to get "fitted".

Filling the paws with Silicone.

Inserting the wire and foam tail piece.

Placing the tail into place.

Painting on the glue to the form.


Sliding the hide onto the form.

Mouth before pinning.

Tucking the tummy folds

Tucking the ear into place.

Kenton's Squirrel Part II


Stitching him up - with Johnson's Dental Floss - Wintergreen flavored!


Last stitch.


Forming the eye openings.


More air fluffing the hair.

Getting the Squirrel mounted on the branch.
Air drying

Kenton decided the camera needed some air dusting.
Last adjustment: bending the tail into the right shape.
Carefully grooming the fur.

Kenton was being a ham....I think he was pretty excited realizing it was almost done.

The squirrel is mounted on the exact place (a broken over tree branch) where Kenton shot it.


The finished product